Never Too Late
by cookiethug
Summary: Sequel to "Never To Know". Ritsu tries dealing with his cutting problem on his own. He thinks he is strong enough to handle it himself. Is he really strong enough to fight this mess within him? Warning: This fic contains self-harm!
1. Chapter 1

**I didn't really intend to continue my fic "Never to know" but someone requested it and the idea wouldn't let go of me. So, here is the sequel. I warn you, though: It might trigger. Please, don't read it if you can't handle explicit self-harm and depressing thoughts. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Sekaiichi Hatsukoi. **

"I'm not going! You can't force me!"

"Just be reasonable for a second, would you?! It can't go on like this! You even said so yourself!"

"Yeah, I remember! But I can deal with it myself! I don't need a therapist!"

"If you could you wouldn't have started with this shit! So don't fucking kid yourself!"

This argument had repeated itself for over a week now but the two never came to an agreement. They were far away from seeing the other's point of view.

Takano insisted that Ritsu should see a therapist to cure his cutting problem but said man was absolutely against it.

Since the raven haired man found out about Ritsu's dark secret he couldn't stop thinking and worrying about it- even though he didn't always show it. He was concerned that the cutting was only the first step. Who knew when this act of self-harm wouldn't be enough anymore? He never would have thought that Ritsu was the type to think of suicide but now he wasn't so sure anymore. After all, he had informed himself about cutting. Apparently, it caught you in a cycle that made an escape almost impossible. You needed help to get out. That was his point of view, at least.

Whereas Ritsu felt his spirits being lifted up again after his low point right after he was found out. Somewhere inside him he felt the strength to make it through this, to start anew. He was determined to get better, to solve his problems instead finding a method to cope with them. And he knew he didn't need any help to get his life back together.

Just the idea of needing help to deal with his problems made him think that he was weak and pathetic. After showing so much weakness before someone, who never seemed helpless or lost, he couldn't afford to let it happen a second time.

"Look, I haven't... done _it _ever since you found out. I'm fine now. I can handle it" Ritsu tried to convince the older man. He even rolled up his sleeve for prove.

An aura of determination and optimism surrounded him, so Takano finally sighed and decided that it was better to let Ritsu have his way. For now, that is.

"Urgh, fine! But if there's any indication that you're feeling worse again, I drag you to a therapist if I have to" he threatened, finally resigning.

Ritsu felt sort of high because he won that argument.

Indeed he felt a lot better. He couldn't even understand now why he had done something as ridiculous as hurting himself. If only he could turn back time and undo this huge mistake. Honestly, he felt disgusted at his own actions now.

His life made an abrupt turn for the best. The old Ritsu was back. Determined, stubborn and sort of jaded, but also caring at some point.

But something about him... was different. He seemed odd. But not odd enough, that anyone, not even himself, would have noticed.

It was like he was on drugs. His mood never really changed. Yeah, now and then he got these temper tantrums- mainly because of Takano- but he always got his good mood back immediately. He felt like nothing could ever bring him down.

But not long after, the expected downfall came and pulled him into the dark hole again. He broke down again.

He didn't really understand.

Just a day ago he felt fine.

The next morning, though, he felt the burden on his shoulders again, even heavier than before. His body ached without a reason and his heart stung as if someone had plunged a knife in it. He didn't even feel strong enough to get up.

Even his eyesight was different. Everything seemed to have lost its colour. On the other hand the shadows seemed to grow longer and they instilled a fear in him he couldn't really explain.

As he looked at his reflexion in the mirror in his bathroom, he suddenly felt something again. Rage. Disappointment. Hatred.

Why was his face so feminine? He was way too skinny and small for a man! No, that's not true! He was fat! Fat and small! Fat and small and ugly. He was an eyesore. No wonder that people always starred at him! He bet that they even talked and laughed about him behind his back! They made fun of him for sure! Who would want a loser like him anyway?

Suddenly fulfilled with anger he punched his reflexion in the mirror right in the face. His knuckles started to hurt and a grin formed on his lips.

The pain gave him satisfaction. Such an awful person like him needed to get punished! His sin was that he wasn't worth anything. So he needed to make up for it. He felt the urge to make a mess of the person he hated the most. Himself.

At first he just dug his nails in his skin until he started bleeding.

But it wasn't enough. He didn't feel satisfied.

As if he was in trance he searched frantically for his razor, then he put out the razorblade and stared at it for a minute.

Without thinking he slid it across his skin that tore apart at the contact. Blood started to drop down his arm, in his palm and then on the floor. Amazed he watched as the blood continued to flow.

He didn't feel any pain. He just felt relieved.

Now he could live with his ugly, dumb, useless self because he had gotten what he deserved. His hunger for punishment was finally stilled.

But at the same time it scared him. The hatred might have disappeared for now but he didn't know when it would show up again. He felt unsafe and tired.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey, guys! Well, here's a new chapter. I know it's a rather dark fic so one doesn't really feel comfortable while reading it. I didn't even feel comfortable while writing it. The feelings of Ritsu are based on the feelings of a friend of mine who hurts herself as well. I know Ritsu is really out of character but cutting really changes people and brings out another side of them, they weren't even aware they had. She only agreed to help me with this fic so people could understand the feelings of a person who cuts himself. Hopefully, people will stop calling persons with this problem emos because that's just shallow and narrow-minded.  
By the way, the titles of both fics are titles of songs. "Never to know" is a song by Lene Marlin and "Never too late" is by Three Days Grace. **

After this blackout, his rational side came back and he began to panic.

Repeatedly he thought "What have I done?" Once again he felt disgusted at himself, but now for a completely different reason than before.

In haste he held his arm under a jet of water, while anxiously listening to any sounds in his surroundings. He feared that Takano might come in surprisingly since he had to give the man the key to his apartment after everything that had happened recently. If it weren't for the man's persistence he would've never agreed to that. If only he hadn't been weak and vulnerable during their talk, thinks might've been in his favour now.

The wound stung and was still bleeding so he wrapped a bandage around his arm to cover the ugly sign of his own weakness.

Since the bloodthirsty monster within him was satisfied and had withdrawn, his senses were back and he could finally feel the pain he had inflicted on himself.

Hesitantly he looked at his reflexion in the mirror again, afraid that he'd see his ugly, disgusting face again but what he found now was the face he was familiar with, that people told him was attractive.

_What's wrong with my mirror? Just a few minutes ago it showed me someone totally different. _

Just to be sure that he could trust his eyes; he poked his own nose and trailed down his cheeks with his fingertips.

_Everything's alright. I'm okay now. I don't feel the urge to destroy myself anymore. I'm normal now. I'm okay. _He repeated these thoughts like a mantra to calm himself down. Of course he knew he wasn't. Nobody in his right state of mind would get suddenly overwhelmed by dark depressing thoughts that seemed to not be his own. Nobody sane changed in one moment to another to a completely different person.

And what made matters even worse was that he had been wrong. He couldn't just simply forget the reasons why he started cutting in the first place. He couldn't just live his life like it had never happened. He couldn't just pretend that everything was fine. Because he would always feel guilty about what he had done to himself and that just added to his insecurity about his own person. Also, because the fear of not being good enough would always haunt me.

Just now he realized that he had only fed his fears by hurting himself. They were satisfied for now but they grew bigger at the same time. And when they were hungry for more, they would attack again.

Later that day, Takano came over to prepare dinner. They didn't talk much to each other, only now and then about some work-related stuff.

Ritsu sat at the table, nervously fidgeting with his pullover. He didn't forget about the deal he made with the other man. In order to not having to go to a therapist he had to get better and he had to prove that he was, indeed, better.

The silence continued while they were eating. Although, Ritsu didn't really eat. His stomach churned up so he didn't feel very hungry. He was too afraid of what would happen next.

"So, show me your arms" Takano cut right to the chase of the matter after they had cleaned the dishes together.

The younger one's heart started to beat uncontrollably as if it tried to escape the body it was in.

"D-don't you trust me?" he countered, slightly hurt. He really tried his best to look like he honestly felt betrayed by this request.

The raven haired just raised his eye brows at that.

"It's not a matter of trust. So, cut the crap and show me!"

He hadn't expected this to be easy. Takano could be as stubborn as he himself was when it came to something the man considered important.

"I don't want to! I'm not a kid you need to control, Takano-san!"

Now he was getting really angry, mostly because he was desperate. He didn't want the other to see that he had made the same mistake again. He wouldn't be able to find an excuse or defend his actions because he knew that nothing could ever make up for this. He was ashamed to admit that he was not able to handle this problem on his own anymore.

"Then show me your arms for prove! I don't believe empty words. If you're an honest man then let actions follow your words!" Takano hissed, already running out of patience.

In the last few days Ritsu had always bid a little defiance at his request but he had complied in the end nevertheless. But now Ritsu just maintained his ground but he didn't seem confident, though. Actually, he reminded Takano of a cornered frightened animal.

Since arguing over it was quite pointless, Ritsu did the only thing that came to his mind: He tried to run away.

But, like the older man had on so many other occasions, he caught him just before he could make his way out of his own apartment. Without listening to the smaller males complaints Takano pulled the sleeves of his shirt up to take a look at the skin underneath the fabric.

Ritsu's strange behaviour had already instilled an assumption that now turned out to be correct. He growled unintentionally.

"That's it! You're going to see a therapist!"

At this, Ritsu successfully freed himself from the grip of the raven haired. He chuckled darkly.

"Are you happy now? You were right, I failed. Congratulations!" he hissed bitterly.

He wasn't really angry at the man but he just felt so frustrated and mad at himself that he needed to get these feelings out of his system.

Takano grabbed his chin and forced him to look him in the eyes. He was also angry by now but more apparent in his gaze was worry. It made Ritsu feel even guiltier. But he relaxed a bit and let the older male hug him.

"I'm not happy. I never am when I know that you're hurt. I just want you to be okay again", he whispered, just loud enough for Ritsu to hear.

They just hugged each other for a while and found comfort in the sound of the others heartbeat. They both tried to ignore the fact that hard times were ahead of them by clinging to each other to reassure themselves that at least this would never change.

Takano wanted to feel the other to find resolve to not let this problem apart them while Ritsu just needed prove that his former lover wouldn't throw him away because of this ugly, dark side of him.

"Why? Tell me the reason, Ritsu" Takano demanded gently. The other just shook his head. He couldn't reveal his fears and thoughts to him. Not now, not ever. He was way too afraid of Takano's response to do so.

So he just said "I don't know."

It was only partly a lie. He really didn't know how it came to this. He really didn't know when he lost his way. Or maybe he had this side in him since he was born? All he knew was that this was a great challenge for their already unsteady relationship but all the same he felt the importance of this relationship to him grow.

**I apologize for every grammar mistake I've made. I didn't have a beta-reader for this story.  
Thanks for reading.**


	3. Chapter 3

He was just standing before the building, unsure of what to do now. His feet couldn't move because his mind was stuck somewhere between anxiety, hope and disgust.

It was clear that if he entered this building, he would be marked as someone he never wanted to be. Someone who couldn't deal with his own problems. It made him feel weak.

But maybe, just maybe, Takano-san was right and seeking help was the only way to get out of this mess? Maybe everything could turn back to normal after he talked with someone professional about his worries?

Onodera Ritsu was just about to take a step towards the entrance when a voice deep inside him stopped him.

_So you're admitting defeat now? You accept that you are the problem? Great, now people have all the more reason to look down on you. Who would respect someone who can't even get his own life together? _

He knew that the voice was right. At that moment another thought occurred to him.

What if his family found out that he was in need of a therapist? He was sure that they would flip at the news. It would stain the name they were so proud of. His mother might even cry and she would definitely look for someone to blame.

He wouldn't be able to cope with these reactions. He already knew he couldn't.

"You, have you made up your mind yet?"

Surprised at the question Ritsu turned around to see a young girl, maybe around the age of 16 or 17, standing behind him and looking at him knowingly. Her hair was dyed as black as her clothes were. Honestly speaking, she looked quite scary with all her piercings and dark make-up.

"Uh, what do you mean?" he asked, a bit uncomfortable. After all, she did look like she might rob him.

"You are struggling whether to go in or not, right? Many people, who come here, are indecisive about that, so I know" she explained to him in a nonchalant tone like she didn't really care.

"Y-yeah, I guess, I am" he admitted and let out a frustrated sigh. It was shameful that he had been seen through by a teenage girl.

"And since you're still standing here, I take it that you haven't made up your mind yet" she concluded confidently. "So I will tell you something to make your decision easier. Don't go in there if you are not ready for your life to change completely. You have to lay everything bare for one person to see which can be quite scary. Don't do it if you're unsure."

He understood what she was trying to get at. Even more so since it hadn't been his decision to come here. He never really wanted to. He still didn't. But he couldn't see another option. After all he had promised to try.

"I know a better solution for you. After all, I have the same problem as you."

That statement made him curious although he knew that he shouldn't take the advice of someone so young and obviously troublesome.

But then she did something he would have never expected. As if it was nothing she put the sleeve of her dress upwards to show healed scars and even fresh cuts. Her indifference about her action shocked him even more than the action itself.

"You're like me, right?"

_Why does she sound so satisfied? It's not like she should be proud of it! What's wrong with her?! _

"W-what makes you so sure of it?" he responded defensively. Unfortunately, his shocked reaction was more than enough of an answer for her.

"It's the way you fumble around your arm. For someone like me it's quite obvious. You should work on it, really dude. But, here. Come visit us if you ever feel lonely. After all, we are the same. No one will ever understand you as we do."

She shoved a small piece of paper with an address and a time written on it in his hands before he even stand a chance of declining. And just as sudden as her appearance was, she was gone.

Back home, Ritsu felt a little bit useless. It really was excessive of Takano to give him the whole day off. What was he supposed to do now?

Even though he hadn't gone in the building to talk to a therapist after all, he felt exhausted.

Although it would have been the right thing to do, the brunet didn't throw away the piece of paper that the girl had given him. In a weird way, it felt like it was his only escape and maybe, just maybe, it was his only rescue too.

Either way, he decided to give it a try. It was better as being branded as a mentally unstable person by a professional, that's for sure. Or so he thought. After all, he had already realised that he was indeed mentally unstable for the time being. He was just afraid to be known as someone with mental problems by other people. He had promised that he would rise to the top on his own, so the last thing he needed was a handicap that would get him pity from other people.

Later that day, Takano visited to check up on him. Somehow, he expected the younger one to feel upset after his first therapy session. He had read that the first one was always the worst one but also that it would get better after some time.

To his surprise, Onodera seemed perfectly calm. He wasn't angry at him because he had forced him to go. Not anymore. Neither was he sad or agitated.

It was really strange. Takano couldn't help but feel suspicious.

"So, how was it?" he asked casually, trying not to start a fight immediately. First, he would analyse the others reactions.

"W-well, to be honest, I don't really want to talk about it" the brunet shrugged it off.

"Really? Too bad, 'cause _I_ want to talk about it."

At the irritated tone of the raven haired mans voice Ritsu turned around to face him, only to meet a pissed off Takano.

"What's your problem? I'm tired, that's all" he tried to reason and he was glad that it wasn't a lie. He knew that he sucked at lying.

"So you're tired? After I did all the work for you while you had the day off? Oh, sorry that I can't find any sympathy for you!" Takano spat, already at his limit. Why couldn't Ritsu just be honest to him? His younger self would have never deceived him like this. It was at times like this that he really missed the teenage Ritsu.

He knew that it was wrong of him to have brought up that matter when he realised that the smaller man had started trembling. Ritsu's whole body shook but he couldn't tell if it was from anger or from sorrow, since the other kept his head hung low to hide his face with his hair.

"I... I understand. I'm just a bother to you. Well, I won't bother you anymore" the brunet said after some time, his voice just slightly shaky but surprisingly emotionless.

Then he grabbed his coat and walked straight out the door of his own apartment.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I'm terribly sorry that it took so much time for me to write a new chapter. I am a slow writer. **

**Well, since I am responsible (or like to think I am), I'll warn you: Mentions of drug abuse in this chapter and maybe in the following. **

* * *

Somewhere deep inside him he knew that it had been wrong to snap like that. He knew that Takano was just worried about him.

But that made everything worse. He felt so guilty. Just imagining being in the other's situation made him want to puke. How frustrated and helpless the man must feel, Ritsu could never comprehend.

He was not only hurting himself but the man who loved him as well. That was the devilish circle, after all. Cutting yourself makes you feel good for a short time, until you realize that you're not only ruining your own life but also the lives of people who care about you. So you want to stop but, you're so depressed and upset that you end up cutting yourself again. You get caught up in a circle of hate, guilt and sadness.

Ritsu ran without a destination in his mind. He just wanted to feel something other than hate and guilt. It made him feel alive when his lungs ached and his head started to spin. The pain reminded him that he had a body, as weird as it sounds. Physical pain felt real to him. It was easier to explain. After all, he had the evidence of pain marked on his body._ It was hard to prove pain when there's no_ _injury_. People tended to believe what they could see and doubt what they couldn't.

Since he felt like he had no other place to go, he shoved his hands in the pockets of his coat to feel the small note. It was not necessary to actually see it; since he already had the address memorized, but feeling something tangible to confirm that this wasn't a dream gave him the courage he needed to go.

This led to him standing in front of yet another building, but this one was old and condemned. The windows were smashed and the door was bent out of its frame. It was very likely that it was no longer provided with electricity or heating.

It wasn't an easy decision but after drawing in a deep breath he entered the building, only to be met with a surprise.

He shouldn't have been, really, but he was.

There were more than twenty people in this shabby house and none of them seemed to be sober. The air smelled like cheap alcohol, smoke and foreign spices.

Ritsu felt an uneasy feeling form in the pit of his stomach and was just about to leave as the girl from before found him and beckoned him over to where she was standing. Now he felt obligated to at least say hello before he left, so he walked over to her and forced a smile on his lips.

"I knew you would come. It was just a matter of time", she said proudly and shoved him in front of the people she was talking to. "This is the newcomer I've told you guys about. His name is... uh?"

She gave him a look that advised him to end her sentence.

"Ono... uh, Oda Ritsu", he mumbled.

It was a close call. If he had told them his real name, they would have been able to track down his family, and he didn't want them to be dragged into this mess he knew he was getting himself into.

"Yeah, whatever. I'm Angel. That guy in the corner that looks fucking wasted is Puncher. The guy in front of you is Devil. And the one behind him..."

She continued to list all the names of her friends but Ritsu wasn't listening anymore.

_They use fake names. I'm such an idiot! Why didn't I think of that? _He scolded himself.

"You'll be Dollface from now on."

This statement brought him back to reality.

"What?! Why?" he nearly shouted, a look of confusion on his face. Maybe he should have paid attention to what she was saying after all.

The girl simply shrugged and took another drag of a weird cigarette. Its smell made him feel slightly dizzy.

"Because you've got a face that looks like someone sculpted it. You could make so freaking much money with it if you were a prostitute!" she explained to him, sounding a bit annoyed. "And look at your body! With your good looks, you could conquer the world! It's a fucking sin to look as perfect as you do!"

At this point she sounded really angry. It then dawned on Ritsu that she was envious. This realization made him slightly angry as well.

Sure, it wasn't the first time he was told that he was handsome. Actually, that was the first comment he heard whenever he met someone new and he had grown to hate it. People saw in him a person that looked perfect on the outside and they automatically assumed that he must lead a happy life. They underestimated him and his abilities because they thought he could get whatever he wanted just because he was handsome. If it was possible, he would trade his looks immediately. He would prefer being ugly over being acknowledged for his appearance and not for his personality. He always wanted to be more than a well-formed body and a handsome face.

"I'm far from perfect" he objected bitterly.

All his struggles to reach his goals were usually in vain. He was working himself to death but all his efforts were for nothing. He hasn't even moved one step ahead from the beginning. He was stuck where he started and no matter how hard he tried, he never seemed to make progress.

He knew that he had to keep trying and work even harder. But at the same time he felt so useless. And worthless.

"Oh, so what's your problem, golden boy?" she asked him sarcastically. Then she shoved the cigarette in front of his face and waved it around like it was a fan. "Take a drag of this and your problems will solve themselves, I promise ya!"

His last bit of reason tried to argue with him about the pros and cons, but it soon dissolved into a craving. When you feel like you are drowning in an ocean of despair you cling to anything that can keep you above water. So he found himself taking the cigarette, putting it between his lips, and taking a deep drag. He soon discovered that was a huge mistake as he burst in a painful coughing fit. His lungs seemed to be on fire and the smoke choked him. Tears were already forming in his eyes.

As soon as he was able to breathe again, he felt calm. Unusually calm and dizzy. The room was spinning so he was forced to sit down or he would have fallen face first on the ground.

The movements of the ground made him feel sick so he just lay there and tried concentrating on breathing.

He couldn't really think straight because it felt like his brain had turned into jelly. It felt weird. He became actually scared that his brain would fall out of his ear if he as much as turned his head.

Somehow this idea seemed so comical to him that he started to giggle.

"Whoa, bro. You were too greedy for your first time."

Ritsu could neither perceive where the voice was coming from nor what meaning the words held, but that didn't bother him. He felt too comfortable at the moment to be bothered by anything.

"I'm gay", he confessed out of the blue. "I'm gay! I'm in love with a man! I have slept with him too! Multiple times!" He was screaming now.

"You're a gay in the closet? I see your problem, then. Here take another drag. You'll talk more."

He did as he was told since he craved the metallic taste that the smoke left in his mouth.

"My parents are homophobic, though. I learned it the hard way", he mumbled, feeling the dull pain from a time long ago. It left a scar on his heart that might never fade.

"I'm simply wrong. All I've ever wanted is right in front of me but I can't reach it. Maybe I never will. And it's killing me inside. " He started to laugh again at this point. Even though the words were serious and came straight from his heart, he couldn't feel all the hard feelings that usually came along right now. Whatever he was smoking seemed to shield him from all the bad feelings and that's the reason why he could finally speak freely about his fears. It made him feel strong and invincible.

"I'm so damn useless."

"Why?" The question came almost immediately.

"Why?" he repeated, chuckling darkly. "Because I love him, but I can't bring myself to tell him. Because I know I will never live up to all the expectations people hold about me. Because I'm so afraid that being me won't be enough I don't even know who I am anymore. Because I feel exhausted after waking up. I am tired of trying and failing. What's the reason to get up in the morning and to fall asleep at night knowing that I just wasted another day? It feels like I've been chasing my tail this whole time and now I have come to the conclusion that I will never be able to catch it. I hate it. I hate myself. I hate that people underestimate me and judge me because of my looks and my family. But what I hate the most is that even I can't find anything underneath all this. Maybe I am an empty shell. Maybe I _am_ only a doll that was meant to just look good. Maybe that's all people see in me because it's true."

He never stopped laughing while admitting all his worries in front of the strangers, so his speech wasn't taken all that seriously. In fact the people who had actually heard it had had a hard time following him because they were too stoned themselves to concentrate. Besides, it is really hard to comprehend the words of someone who is laughing and talking at the same time. It didn't really matter to him anyway. He just needed to admit his worries out loud. And this was only the beginning of it.

"I should go home now" he then decided and struggled to get up from the dirty floor. That was a harder task than it should have been because it still seemed to him like his surroundings were swaying. Although he was wobbly, he managed to stand up and stagger to the exit. No one tried to stop him. No one even realized that he was leaving so it never occured to anybody that it was dangerous to let a certifiable man wander around alone at night, especially stoned.

* * *

**I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Before I let you off to your reallife, I want to say that I seriously think that people misjudge Onodera because of his looks. In the novel (Yoshino Chiaki no baai) it is mentioned that Yoshino, while meeting Onodera during the New Year's Party, muses that Onodera might have been hired due to his good looks. Well, personally I think that assumptions like this one can lessen one's self-esteem and since Ritsu is a person who gets insecure very easily, I think he might take something like this to heart. He is a pretty interesting character since he has so many flaws even though he is always trying so hard to be perfect. **

**And last but not least, I want to thank to Ravenstar-of-ShadowClan for proof-reading and editing my story. You don't cease to do an amazing job at it. (I would give you a cookie if I could.) **

**Thanks for reading! **


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